“I wanted to see if they gave different tips for different places, maybe geography affects our sleeping patterns somehow.” Mother began pushing yet another sleeping guide across the breakfast table at her house, the exact kitchen table where one year she convinced my toddler self that there would be no Christmas presents because I refused to go to sleep opting to stay up with my father to prove that there was no Father Christmas. One thing about my mother is that she knows my currency and more than any other aspect of my lifestyle and health, it is currently getting quality sleep.
For the past few months she’s been trying to convince me to join her local gym’s swimming club. I’m sure you’re thinking ‘What’s wrong with that? She’s just being a good mother.” Not my mother. She’s met the instructor and is certain that he is the one to make her both grandmama – for the second time – and mother of the bride all within weeks of us meeting. She once had him phone me because I could give him advice on his ‘property portfolio’ I advised him against taking out a second bond on his beach house to finance a new car. There were no sparks, much to my mother’s disappointment.
On this particular occasion my mother called me over so that I could listen to more evidence that would argue her case with the use of my constantly being on the lookout for the best ways to get optimum sleep without spending 12 hours under the covers against me.
The Better Sleep guide she’d fished out of the depths of the website suggests that regular exercise such as –would you believe it – swimming can help me “relieve the day’s stress and frustrations.” Kick boxing does a good job of relieving this too, but I already do that on the weekends to kick (and sweat) off the week’s stresses.
Mothers blackmail. Mothers use personal information against you; just as long as they think their way is best. So guess what? This Friday afternoon after work I will be going to her the pool at her local gym to meet with “Mr Swimming Coach” to discuss the type of schedule that would be suitable for a woman of my age and working hours.